elflocks: (limbs)
I had a dream of hunger, and a dream of a river losing its water, exposing its silt, but that's all I remember of those dreams. I dreamt I was in California, night, in the decade before I was born, accompanied, we were outside a thick tangle of dwellings in a city, and I saw a tiger, I was startled, afraid it would eat me, it approached, sauntered past without acknowledgement, I found a head of Caesar and knew it had a specific name, Caesar erected in Persia where he reigned, his face was carved with finer features, a finer curl to his hair, something catlike in the eyes. Another dream, all I remember is a moment, a man who had been whipped across his back, naked to the waist, covered in blood, he was standing looking down at me where I sat, looking hard at me without breaking his gaze, oppressive, I felt bad, ashamed in some way, he looked at me as he began to dress himself in a white silk shirt of another era, and I could not bear to watch, the staining of the silk with blood, I looked away from his eyes.
elflocks: (Default)
I dreamt my brother was alive. It seemed to me that I had to protect him from unhappy things, or he would kill himself, and this thought came to me after I found a stack of rifled-through old math tests of our other brother, and I thought the younger would be unfavorably comparing himself (though he was the one with better scores in life). At a table set outside in the dark, our other brother told the younger his fish was gone, my hope fell, I had been hiding this knowledge from him in the years he was away, but then the fish came back, a blue-green thing called Bubbles, as large as a Saint Bernard, that looked like a sea monster from an old map, and it could move around out of water, and was flopping and flapping with happiness at seeing my brother, I felt relief, he might not kill himself over this.

 
And I had a stupid, unhappy dream about the damn TV show The Office, I was Pam and had gotten involved in a relationship with Michael Scott, which was being repeated, looping back on itself, hints of Groundhog Day but with less clear endings, I suppose like reruns of the same episode but the plot isn't always the same and there's lingering memory of past runs. I had been joking at first, and the thing usually ended with me breaking his heart once he caught wind, or sometimes I was gentler and gave him reason why he could feel disappointed with me and end it himself with some dignity, but then came a time I decided to keep him, because he was sweet and he was someone, and I felt I was committing a wrongness against fate but I had this deep unnatural almost-Biblical cleaving-to feeling of wanting to just hold him, we were in a taxi and I held him after playing the situation with the right words that would mean he would love me, I had my cheek to his shoulder and he whispered, in a very Michael Scott way, gentle coaxing, absurd, do you think we should end this, or something like that, and I thought, no, no, this is the time when he loves me and I keep him, but he ended it even with me saying the right things, offering him what he wants, he ended it and I sobbed, I was in a Kmart sobbing, I crawled on the floor weeping.
 
I woke up this morning with snow in the air and saw a crow take wing from the brick wall outside my window. I’ve got a bit of a cold that won’t let go, so it’s more Emergen-C, Ban Lan Gen tea, chicken soup, and truckloads of water. I need to call my surgeon with a question, but oh, how I dread the telephone. I’m trying not to be afraid of the month of January and what’s in it, and what may come after it, I am trying to be easy on myself and my fate.
elflocks: (heart)
Most of the dream is worth forgetting. There was a boy with curly brown hair (when I woke up I thought of the song Do You Love an Apple), he and I were going to be sent to a sort of domestically-oriented labor camp, we had a night, we were in my mother’s house in the place she keeps old records, rolling around on the floor, I wanted to enjoy this night before a new, distressing environment, he wanted to wait, pleaded angrily with me to wait, to keep my hands away, it was too much for him, I caressed him, kissed the palm of his hand, the skin of his hand was coarser than I expected, the lines of the palm deep, feeling these lines with my lips, reading something inscrutable there, he grunted with an irritated animal urge, rolled me over and tried to fuck me, I shoved him off, I was annoyed he could not enjoy my affections without being stupidly roused to rut, he was annoyed by my attentions without culmination, I brought my face close to his, I brushed my eyelashes against his cheek, tangled my eyelashes with his, the room was silent as our eyelashes touched in this way.
elflocks: (coy)
I cannot remember much about the dream, but I was studying the psychology of Victorian men and their views towards women, their attempt to understand women, as a reality and as an idea, and I felt compassion for their foolishness, wrongheadedness, hopeless reverent grasping, even petty unkindness, and there was something I was trying to capture in my mind in how they were trying to capture something in their mind about women, something deep, deep down in the body, down to the bones, and I woke up and wrote: "Communing with the bones of women."
elflocks: (mandrake)
I dreamt of a planet with a moon you're forbidden to look at. If you look, a beast comes from a cave and eats you. I dreamt of a planet with an atmosphere too thick for the stars to be visible. I dreamt of a planet so far removed from the stars that there was no light in the sky. I dreamt I was on Earth on a hill looking at the sky, and it filled with purple light and a thousand wheeling stars, and a song filled the sky and I cried watching what was happening.

I dreamt I sat with two men, one I loved and one I wanted to feel envy for my loving. We watched television. There was a parade of horrible animals. They were all to be eaten in a feast. Many of them were as large as dogs or ponies, black, with exoskeletons and feelers and dozens of legs, pincers and stingers, they were decorated with red ribbons and lucky coins, they carried hundreds of golden coins on their backs, there were a few smaller furry animals that rode them, things like a cross between a cat and a monkey, and smaller ugly black things like land-dwelling eels or unshelled scorpions, the smaller animals ate each other as the procession moved along, I watched in disgust and wonder, there were so many gold coins they spilled to the ground, the television showed the things being boiled and roasted, squirming, spitting juice from the black joints of their legs, the dream shifted before I saw them eaten.

Profile

elflocks: (Default)
elflocks

February 2022

S M T W T F S
   12 345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728     

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags